Monday, July 14, 2008

To Sleep Perchance to Dream

This weekend has been pretty awful. Its not just the whole money thing, it was also sleep. I couldn't really sleep at all. At one point I took 4 ambiens, not at once, but defiantly while I was feeling the effects of the first dose. Didn't put me to sleep but I did feel like I was drunk, and I remember being really horny. I can't tell you exactly what I did, seeing as I don't remember most of it, but I know for a fact that i borrowed porn from somewhere, and that's what was playing when I snapped out of it.

When I did sleep, it was filled with weird dreams, and well really bad ones too. The one I remember really well was one where i was surrounded by wounded, I was out of supplies and more and more people were calling for me, begging for my help. My hands were covered in blood, and in the end I was screaming like all the wounded around me. And then like Dak To, some jackass on my side drops a bomb on me and all the wounded disappear in a flash of fire. Its kind of hard to get to sleep with an image like that in your mind.

I would've talked to someone, but aside from Erika I really don't think anyone wants to listen to my crap. She's got her messenger on invisible or turned off which leads me to believe either she finally has gotten tired of my crap, she's got a new boyfriend and doesn't want to tell me or really talk to me (who wants to date someone with their ex hanging like a dark cloud) or she's simply lost service for some reason or another. Personally if the Facebook thingie is any indication I'm going with the new boyfriend theory. I won't lie it stings a little but right now I'm kind of like a 3rd degree burn patient. I've already felt a lot of pain so the parts that are extra crispy don't really feel pain because the nerves have burned away. The 2nd degree burns surrounding it hurt like hell though.

I've had too much time this weekend, mostly at night to think about things. There isn't an issue I didn't cover in my mind, and on the lecturn that doesn't exist I lectured no one in particular on the moral and ethical recourse of all sorts of issues. Abortion, War, Hippies, Environmentalism, rampant progressives, Rabid Feminists, relationships, Faith, and where I'll end up. Its too bad no one was there to listen. If you could edit things down, and keep me from jumping from topic to topic, it'd actually make for an interesting listen.

In the end it was simply me trying to avoid sleep. Its strange how you can want something so much and yet not want it at all. I suppose its the same way with relationships. So, just like when I was at Rusty, I'd wander at night. I'd go out and walk. I'd go out into the night alone, and hope that by walking I could somehow excise the demons perusing me. It never works like that. All my triumphs and failures are as clear to me now as they were the day they happened. Excluding a lot of my childhood, I am able almost with perfect clarity to reachback to important moments, and live them again. Hanging out with Erika, seeing Andrea, the CSH in Baghdad, FOB Warrior, hell even getting baptized at basic, and the moment the chaplin had talked about, when I realized that I could do it.

so I walked, and when I could drove. I drove by Coyotes, and saw all the people out drinking. I had enough time to go in for the table dance, but without Gary and Tracy dragging my sorry ass along it just didn't have the appeal. I don't think I'll ever really be a part of the life I've tried so hard to defend.

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