Friday, December 28, 2007

You can call me stupid now.

Last night i made a complete ass of myself. It tends to happen frequently these days. In fact if making an ass of yourself were a sport, I should go to the olympics. So what's happened since my last post. . . well i've not done a damm thing. and of course going to work durring the holiday season is not shall we say motivating.

I think the highlight of the work week so far was going through a deserter's stuff. Most of his clothes were nast as hell and they went into the dumpster. No skin off my back. I really don't like deserters. I don't have any respect for people that run unless there are extreame extenuating circumstances (ie death in the family). i took a LONG shower after that.

So work isn't really all its cut out to be. Big surprise there. But the real surprise is what i did last night. I had know nicole for a long time and really aside from Katie McQueen (the office troll haha) has been my only constant confidant. Really to be fair she's been the voice of reason when i get. . . well like me. I traced back all the times i had been most miserable since I'd joined the army and it was the times we weren't talking. We've had a long history, and I've always hinted at it, but last night i really bore my soul to her.

BUT (isn't there alsways a but) my timing is (of course) terrible. she's got a new boyfriend, and it sonds pretty serous. I think that it was the impidus for last night, but really I know that part of it has been the on going transformation. I've begun to reintigrate. going to bars and acting like a normal 24 year old (i think). I've started to relax a lot, learned to have a good time with people, and most of all stopped pining over lost love.

The thing is she once told me of her dream. a ranch somewhere. I think is was when we tried breifly dating. ever since then it had taken hold of me and become something I fight for. that "some day i'm gonna. . . " dream that you always see but never think you'll live long enough to see. i had mentioned that i wanted to work on that ranch some time, and she said i'd always have room and board there but hinted that she'd be making it soon with someone then told me about her bf and then it hit me and i felt sick. Again i had waited too long. Again i had goofed. Simply put I had missed whatever oppertunity i might have had

So what now ytou ask. Nothing. I can't ask her to scrap a promising relationship for one she already turned down. I dunno i guess i wait. Katie said that i should wait for her to react. i don't know. i get the feeling that i've got as much finesse as an ogre. I just hope that when she finds mr right she'll still be my friend. That and i hope it doesn't hurt too much.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

A Blah Christmas

I will say going to topika on the 24th was good. I mean i hadn't been out in god knows how long. Its strange but the doctor i saw, well let's just say i wish i'd seen him three months ago. I won't name any names because i'm sure my original GI doc wouldn't like it, but lets face it i got less face time than than the dude in a porno. Brittany, Searle's wife, took me, and to repay her we went to the mall. I didn't think it would end up being an all day event but it did, and I'm not sorry it was.

To tell thr truth simply going to a (decent) mall and seeing the throng of humanity was great for me. It was nice to see that yes, in fact people still exist OUTSIDE the army, and yes, said people do have lives. I got to hear all manner of issues from the feminine view point, which is interesting. I think the whole shoe/purse issue is quit frankly halarious. The important part is that a friend and i had a good time browsing the mall. the sad part is this was the highlight of my month.

But christmas day. . . Blah is all i could say to it. it started off with the need to NOT get out of bed. The highlight was going to Anja's house for turkey, but then after that the million odd kids going crazy trying to get my attention really put a damper on the whole thing. To be hones it was enough to make a guy want to get the big V.

I pretty much spent the day texting and calling everyone to wish them a merry christmas but i really didn't feel the christmas cheer. Say what you will but this year just didn't feel like christmas. I wanted to go home, but of course that was too much for rear D made my life miserable and i finally just gave up. I want to go home. . . sort of. Well truth be told i don't know if i do or not. I do need to reconnect with the people that are important to me, but i'm not ready to do that.

I can only imagine what great introspection will occur in the comming days but i bet it will be interesting.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Peace at last

I've finally made peace with the things i've felt about lisa. My anger is gone. I realize now (by making a few mistakes of my own) that she was human and she needed some companionship. It took making a mistake, a type I'd never once even considdered before to realize just how human she is. In that moment i understood, and though it does not erase the sence that it was wrong, i felt so much sympathy for her. I can only imagine what she felt. fear self loathing.

How strange it is that it takes the advent of christmas and a LONG talk with a preist for me to get it. Joe (aka blade runner) was right you have to chose the path of forgiveness. It's slow going, but I have finally forgiven her. I've made peace with what happened. It is hard to think about still, but it is getting easier. I guess it simply wasn't ment to be.

Joe had told me a lot of things. things i needed a friend to say. In the end i morned for this relationship like i did for a lost soldier. I went through each stage of greif eventually stopping on anger. Perhaps it is kind of like a death. it certainly felt like one. Here's what i have to say. You have to learn to live with who and what you are. You have to tell people what and how you feel. If you hold your tounge you will lose

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Betrayal is such a subtle thing

Some examples of betrayal are dramatic. Many people agree what Lisa did is "fucked up" and probably the extreme, but the Army's betrayal of its soldiers is often far more subtle. Two months I've wasted, waiting, hoping that i will go back to Iraq. All the while on lock down. Now I found out I will not go back. My frustration and anger came boiling out and when it was over, and my room was a mess, there it was. The raw hurt. Everyone and everything I had belived in, or fought for has betrayed me.

Lisa has shattered my faith in people. I look aroung and all i see are people looking for the next latest and greatest screw. Everybody is going around looking to fuck eachother over. Nothing is sacred and it's like a bunch of monkeys swinging from vine to vine. I realized suddenly when i was at the mall the other day, I'm disgusted by the people i tried to protect. Nothing seems sacred anymore. When someone gives their word, it doesn't mean anything anymore. Worse, everytime i try to move on, every time i think she's in the past. Lisa is there. not physically but in my mind. Random things will remind me of her, and some things, will bring images of her mid coitis and having forgotten me completly. I have come to despise women, pretty much all women. even casual conversations are colored with my disgust. My anger is such that i would wish a sort of reveng upon her. I wish she'd see my face everytime she has sex, i wish she'd hear my voice, when she feels down. I wish i would haunt her as much as she haunts me. But that will never happen. I hate her for being happy. It has come to the point i wish I'd never known her so i could be spared this pain. How sad is that?

The army's betrayal is one that is sadly an old story. "Fight our wars" they say, onward, you push and push until you are of no more use to them. If you fall into a catigory of not useful but not so horribly scared (physical or psychological) that you would notice. It's easy to forget people that are simply hurt. 2/16 for all it's faults has some good people. Although my feelings towards the BN chain of command are clear, the company level, and especially platoon level, there are some GOOD people. So you can imagine how much it hurts to be, well forgotten.

I have 5 fromations a day (oh don't dare miss one of these!) and what is the great work that needs to be done. . . ? NOT A GOD DAMM THING!!! It's simply a place to put a soldier so you don't have to worry. I've been jacked around delayed and treated like shit. The medical system has failed me. in two months i've had a grand total of six meetings with anyone working my case. Total amount of actual face time perhaps 3 hours at most. I WANT to go back. I didn't want to leave! I can't believe that I ended up here. It's like from the CSH to here people were just like "well i don't know what to do, send him down the chain". It's so maddening

So last night, while taking a shower a stray thought went through my head, "if I were to disapear tommorow, no one would notice." i felt cold and VERY affraid that I'd even think that. Has it really come to this. I can't tell what people feel about me, and suddenly with Lisa's betrayal everyone seems so two faced. I didn't want to feel this way. I wanted to believe in her, I wanted to believe that nice guys don't finish last, but somehow staring down this feeling of abandonment, i realize just how cold and cruel the world can be, and it breaks my heart.