The hardest part of life is admitting you screwed up. To myself as well as to others, admitting i screwed up is hard. I screwed up big time asking for a break. I had the rather niave view that people here could be professional in nature. That past grudges would not boil over. I was wrong. That was made oh so evidant this morning. I also made a mistake with Lisa, I was a fool to believe Cassy. Worse I was a fool to not see sooner that my anger was misplaced.
Faith, not so much religious faith, but faith in almost all other things feels broken. The Med Platoon, seems intent on their little games, and i want no part of it, even though i seem to be a key figure, or perhaps it's just paranoia that makes me say that. The more i try to pull away and distance myself from them, the more they try to pull me in, and honestly i am sick of it. How can anyone WANT to live this way? i used to belive that people would do what was right, that they would always aim for the common good, and not stoop to petty bickering. I was wrong.
This morning was a perfect example of the petty nature of the med platoon. I had NO idea there would be a weapons inspection, so of course i didn't clean my weapon, hell, even if I had known, i wouldn't have busted my ass, because my weapon is a bravo weapon, and thus not technically under their control. I was wrong to assume such a thing. He asks was i told, no i say, he asks Dollins, not the brighted bulb in the basket, and he says yes he di, askes correy, and he says yes (a whole 1/2 hour before). Am i calling them liars he says. . . i was close to punching him right there. If he had been clost to me i would have. Then of all things he tells me i better toe the line!!! are you fucking serous. if that ain't some baisic training shit i don't know what is.
Clean it, he says. Clean it i do. Cosmeticly it is as clean as it's been in a long time. dust on the outside of an M-4 is not nearly as worrysome as dust on the inside. Clean it was. I brought it back to him and he pulled some more baisic training shit. The dude serously called "inspecion arms" are you fucking kidding me?!?! he notes there is dust in the nooks and cranies. he says report tomorrow and any faults will be paid for in pushups. I'm sorry but no. I WILL NOT DO PUSHUPS FOR THIS POG MOTHERFUCKER!!! Shrek can kiss my hairy ass.
Add to that that i also have to go to mental health tomorow, and talk about how i fucking feel, well since the comand is going to get it, i'll tell them everything! I am furrious. Last night the PA was in true form. Throwing me off a table and calling me a shitbag (in essence if not words) , And acting like it's a first time doing an art line. starting it, then getting befuddled, and having to get someone else to do it, what a fool. I want to rip those damm nose hairs out, they are always stickig out and pissing me off everytime i look at him. He is such a POG that i want to beat his ass for acting the fool. Tell me he counts Harrelson and Craig as a loss will he. did he FUCKING KNOW THEM?!?!
My tirade about the hospital, long in coming seems improperly vented now. I feel the real venting should be directed with all due effort to breaking everything in sight. My anger only made worse because i asked for this. How then, is it that i cam to this point in life. Hating everything, and wishing that if it is to end that they would hurry up and get it over with. No i won't kill myself, but if Haji is going to do it i sure as hell hope he'd get his act together. No thoughts of glory enter my mind, only this long poinless struggle. What bother is it to wash blod from your hands, and know it is not from a villian but a saint! what cruel evil is this that good men are spent so!
finally my ex. Well i was a damm fool for listening to Cassy, there is no way around that. I took lack of comunication to mean that she was no longer interested. To be fair i wasn't taking much time to get online when i was in AIT, but i let my doubts and fears get the better of me and i pissed away something good. I don't believe in second chances. not anymore. Craig didn't get one and Harrelson certainly didn't. I am so angry at myself over that, that i can no longer see reason. That all the advise given was in essence "dump her". I bounce around feeling streched like a bad ruberband. For weeks i cursed all things femine, now i curse love for abandoning me, and leaving me at the mercy of war.
Lisa was good to me, better than most, and she understood me. That i was so blatently fooled by a woman that has no scruples, that i knew lied before, that i knew was not the best person in the world, that i listened to whisper in my ear makes me want to scream with rage and despair. I can not repair the damage that has been done, and it makes me weep for what is lost. In the end all i can do is move on. It's all I'm able to do. this is the price you pay for mistakes. I ask only what crime i have commited to earn this punishment.