The worst fear of anyone over here is being forgotten by loved ones, the country, or really just simply fading away to the backround noise, which in this place can be anywhere from a whisper to a strait roar. I suppose these fears can be irrational, but let's face it, when you live even the drama studded, often crazy life of a comfortable american, who gives a crap about a person half the world away? out of sight out of mind. Perhaps it is a good thing that people can go on, but when i put my armor on day after day with a repressed groan, i have to wonder, who still actually gives a shit.
The news will often spend more time on Paris Hilton's "ordeal" than the real life and death strugle of young men and women who for whatever reason chose to serve instead of being served. Is it vainity that makes me ask? Watching the news only pisses me off. But sometimes it is the silence that gets to me the most. I have attention from people I want nothing to do with, idiolizing me for being some kind of fucking hero, and the people I want to hear from, are silent.
I used to ask "is jodi fucking my girl" now I wonder if she thinks about me at all sans my e-mails. It is just too damm easy to forget. And i feel myself walking alone again. The long dusty trail, devoid of anything but the ruck on my back and the unknown ahead. It is sad, depressingly so, and worse i have only myself, a decidly flawed person to face the varrious hurdles ahead.
Worst of all, those men with familes. . . I sit there and watch them. They have people that are eager to talk to them, wives that plan their whole day around when their husbands might call. Of children who squeal with delight at the approach of "daddy" of all the myriad of stories from home. Stories of humor, stories of love. I look at these men and deep down I feel the worst sort of loathing. I envy them. Their lives, flawed though they may be. That empty cube i call a room in the barraks is all that awaits me. No woman, not even my so recenly ex girlfirend will be there, and so in the worst way this world, cold unfeeling has simply forgotten me, and it is the lonliest feeling i have ever known.