To say that I have not recieved any time off since we've been out at the COP isn't entirely accurate. I have had days of inactivity, and usually durring the refit days I do not do much, but this is the first time I've had away from the platoon since i got here. I have to say that it is kind of peaceful. To not have a mission that needs to get don, or some guy that has a weird pimple on his ass.
But this rotation i stayed back. It is really the first time i've done that, and likely the last if the rotations change like they are supposed to. It is not that i am complaining. I like having missions, and doing stuff. I don't so much like hauling my aid bag everywhere, but, I do enjoy having stuff to do. Have to admit (even though the screen is broken) i've taken some good pictures on my new camera. Of course i'm going to have to get ANOTHER new one. but such is life.
Finally on to lisa. What do I say? I want to say things to her but i don't know how. i wonder if perhaps in being here, my desperation for tenderness, and the life and death reality of my situation have colored my view. She seems at times. . . distracted. I will not doubt that she loves me. But i wonder at times is she's going to wait till i get back and "let me down easy". Perhaps it is my history of run ins with "Jodi" (the guy back home doing your girl) or my 2 dear john letters, but a relationship is a fragile thing and distance doesn't help. Asking myself one moment "is she the one" and the next "is she going to leave me?" It is a sign of how much i love her, one might argue.
But the truth is that I am Placing my fears (that remain unspoken and unthought) on something "tangible". And as far as my hopes, everyone does the "when i get home". Problem is mine are more long term, and it's not really fair to lisa. Still. . . Like a drug, almost, when i don't get a letter from her, or i don't hear anyhting from her even seccond hand, i go into the DTs. Well no not really. But it hurts when we do mail call and there's nothing from her. It is unreasonable to expect her to write everyday (like i try to), Still it does hurt. Any small peice of her, even a letter with cheesy X's and O's on the top makes my day. Makes patrols that much easier. I am so tired of war. At times i feel like an old man. But Lisa makes me feel so alive. perhapes that's why i am so desperat for her love.